Prayers and Blessings

12-4-yinyang-oil-and-water
Message in water and oil? I don’t know, but it was cool to see!

For a year and a half, I prayed that God would watch over my children and help comfort me as I struggled to accept reality.  I saw a danger I was helpless to protect them from and that resulted in extreme sadness and a near-complete shutdown.

The danger?  My ex-husband’s mother.  She systematically poisoned them- the problem was, I knew it but couldn’t prove it… until October.  I won’t go into the details here, but I saw things in writing that boiled my anger and brought me to tears and made my heart ache for both of my children… the 14-year-old who had no idea he was a pawn being skillfully manipulated; and the ten-year-old who could see more than he should and his anger and resentment led us to therapy (which, of course, doesn’t do much good as long as the poison is being administered.)

I sent this evidence to my lawyer and prepared to take legal action, nervous about the outcome because if I failed, my ex’s mother would certainly take it out on my children.  And it would be extremely easy for her to do because she lived with her son, as she had since the moment I left him.

Anyway, in November a miracle happened.  After my ex and his mother fought, she left his house to convince him she wasn’t the problem (this was the day before a therapy appointment she was supposed to attend.)  At the same time, I found out another secret:  my ex had a girlfriend.

While I’m not crazy about the fact his girlfriend and her son often sleep over at my ex’s house when my kids are there (that is a whole other post) I saw this as a positive because I think her presence has something to do with my ex mother-in-law’s departure.  I met with this woman and told her I had no intention of involving myself in any relationship she had with my ex (if she doesn’t see him for what he is, nothing I say would change that anyway) but my concern was for my kids.  I explained how for a year-and-a-half my ex mother-in-law has tried to turn my kids against me and how my ex had allowed it.  I told her I wanted her to enjoy time with my kids, but I wanted to always be their mom.  I bared my deepest insecurity:  I don’t want to be replaced.

The woman told me as mom she understood and wouldn’t come between me and my children.  I believed her.  In that moment, I truly felt like my prayers had been answered.

All these months, I’ve struggled with resentment, anger, frustration, sadness and extreme depression.  I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t help me, but I tried to tell myself God was handling it, I just couldn’t see it.  I chastised myself for holding on to resentment and anger, and for my inability to forgive, but I see now that I was being too harsh on myself… I do, indeed, have the ability to forgive because I am doing it now.

But again, that is for another post (which I will do soon!)  It is freeing to get this stuff out of my head.

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Author: findingmedaily43

I used to enjoy hiking and snapping pictures along the way. I used to have creative ideas jotted on pieces of paper stacked on my desk. I used to laugh and look forward to spending time with others. I used to write. A lot. Through this blog, I'm making an effort each day to find myself.

16 thoughts on “Prayers and Blessings”

  1. Very very very interested in finding out more about this ex mother in law of yours. I have a mother in law who denies my children behind my back and talks shit about me in front of them and my husband (who I am currently separated from). I feel like I lived your life (or maybe I’m living it now?)
    Good luck with everything. And always always always try to keep your head up. Darkness is so very easy to fall into.

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    1. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, A Passionate Dreamer. It really is gut-wrenching and if you’re like me, it feels like whatever you do is wrong. You are right about the darkness… I’ve been there for a long time but, God willing, I am through the worst of it. I hope you are able to remain strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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      1. Thank you. The darkness is so consuming. I write about it often. You’re right. I feel like nothing I do is right. Like the world is against me. I’m having a very hard time now. I just need a break.

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      2. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain and imagine that things could get any better (no matter how many times someone reminds you that for everything there is a season 🙂 ) Hang in there and do the best you can, and know you aren’t alone. Whatever you are feeling, there is someone out there who can relate 100%. I’ll be by to check out some of your writing this week… I can also relate to writing through the darkness… my last blog had a fair amount of that!

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    1. I’m glad you stopped by, Patti! I’ve missed the blog world and the caring friends I’d made. I am still finding my way here, but perhaps in time, I will have a sense of who I am. (It does occur to me that the holidays may not have been the best time to try writing on a blog again… haha.)

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      1. Thank you for your kindness, Patti. It is nice to know I’m not forgotten (though it has been nearly six months since I stopped posting.)
        I didn’t really think my absence affected anyone, but I know a few people expressed an interest in seeing where I went next, so I figured I’d at least do that 🙂

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  2. AHA, so it’s really you, huh?? I KNEW it! I wanted so much to email you and say so, but I figured you’d do a reveal if and when you chose. I’m thrilled to see you’re living proof that you can’t keep a writer down — we’re gonna write regardless of the pain, misery, happiness, or whatever Life throws at us. It sounds as if you’ve been dragged through a meat-grinder … but since you’re writing again, perhaps I can hope that the worst is over. There must be a boatload of blessings for one who can forgive this much agony! Hang in there and know I’m still praying!!

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    1. Haha, you got me, Debbie! A part of me wanted to start new and not be tied to the old blog, but the more I thought on it, I decided that wasn’t possible. In life, we can’t exactly start over- the baggage of our past choices is packed and in-tow. So, it’s the same for my online self. The extended silence has been miserable but maybe the absence of words was God’s way of forcing me to deal with everything. For years, writing fiction was a way to escape life so I would not have to deal with problems. I will post more about what has transpired once I decide how to break it down and strip out all the excess details. I do appreciate your prayers… and I want to think the worst is over. But I’ve thought that before, haha

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      1. I’d have been soooo embarrassed if I’d guessed wrong!! But yes, I agree 100%, our baggage comes along with us, and anybody who can’t accept that can’t accept us. I guess it’s just part of Life, and none of us escapes unscathed. Now that you’re writing again, you’ll keep getting stronger!!

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      2. My late dad used to say, Time heals all wounds. There were plenty of times when I rebelled at that, but as time has rolled on, I see the wisdom in it. 😉

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