I find it ironic that I have a blog entitled “Finding Me Daily” and I barely manage to write twice a month. Although I do discover things about myself almost daily, finding the sweet spot of inspiration and opportunity is something I haven’t mastered. Lots has happened since I last posted. I’ll get the “list” out of the way and then get to the thoughts that have been occupying my brain today.
- I ended up telling the homeless lady I helped out before Christmas that I did all I could and please don’t ask me anymore. This was after two voicemails and two texts that she wanted to talk to me. She was at a hotel and had to be out by 11 and had nowhere to go…. well, I couldn’t afford to pay for her to stay in hotel and I wouldn’t bring her to my house so I had no choice but to be blunt. So far, she hasn’t contacted me again. I am praying that she is able to get to a better place though. I found that I can be firm while still having compassion.
- My older son had sinus surgery and he’s recovering nicely. The forced “conversation” in the waiting room during the surgery as his dad and I… well, waited… showed me that I can listen to stupidity and remain silent. As he complained about his job situation, I “listened” and responded with, ‘I guess you have some things to think about and decisions to make’.
- My younger son has been having inflammation issues with his jaw and is scheduled for an MRI next week. For the past 4 weeks, he’s been on a ‘soft’ diet which has revealed that I enjoy trying new recipes that are easy to eat, yet still nutritious.
- Last weekend, I found out that I’m still not good at finding words in difficult times. It is painful when you encounter someone who has lost hope; it’s heart-breaking when it’s your mom. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. My grandma, and great-grandma have traveled that path as well. My mom, being the primary care-giver for the last years of my grandma’s life, is well-aware of what’s in store. Even knowing that, I was still stunned when she matter-of-factly told me her plan because she has no future. I told her she has a present and she said “not for long.”
I cried most of my drive home and I have a song idea and some words (but no music) but I feel that if it’s something that needs to heard, God will help me with all that. The chorus is alternating between my mom’s thoughts (some are actually her words), followed by what I feel like God’s response would be. The song how I have it in my mind would be a duet.
I feel like I don’t matter
(Your life is not an accident)
There’s no hope for “better”
(Trust, lay down your burden)
My time, my life, is limited
(It’s mankind’s shared fate)
I don’t want to see that end
(It’s not your choice to make)
The final thoughts I have going through my head started during my hour-long run/walk this morning. Near the sidewalk in a yard I passed by, someone had an interesting carved-out log with their last name inserted in iron letters. Seeing that, it made me think how we seem to spend our lives looking to make an impression, to leave a mark, or simply stand out among the millions of other people on this earth. I used to be this way- I wanted be recognized for my writing. I wanted to be famous. But it was all for me- not to glorify God. There’s some freedom in admitting that now, because I am okay with being a name or a face that isn’t remembered. The message today at church talked about how we should treat others how Jesus would (makes me think of a Colton Dixon song, “Let Them See You”). I think it’s an amazing song and included a link if you haven’t heard it before.
This kind of ties into something that happened with the kids on Saturday. I brought home a game and game pieces from the grocery store (when you shop, you get more game pieces and you win stuff if you get all the pieces for the prize.) My younger son thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the vacation home, $100,000 vehicle or the million dollars. The vacation home is useless – I would have to insure it, maintain it and it would be a pain to sell it; the $100,000 vehicle would have to be insured and maintenance costs are often ridiculous on those expensive cars. And, let’s be honest, no matter what you do to avoid it, someone is going to door-ding it or bump their shopping cart into it. But the worst part to me is that having this stuff makes people think I have money- and I got out of a marriage to someone who was into that kind of show (I bought into it, to some extent, too)… I want nothing to do with it now. Just a few years ago, I thought having more money would make things better – I would’ve hoped for the million dollars. Life has taught me that it wouldn’t have made a lasting difference. I understand that brokenness can’t be patched with money and things can’t make me “happy”.
Life has a way of making me, but it had to break me down first (mostly because I chose to do things the hard way.) See… I’m learning 🙂
Have a beautiful Sunday!