Irony, Facing Fears and Spotlighting Insecurities… and, Of Course, Kitty Love

I spent some time this evening saving some of the stuff I wrote on my old blog.  Back when I used to write.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to just make it private or delete the whole thing because that person doesn’t exist anymore.

I’m struck by the irony of the situation.

When I was in a miserable marriage, I threw myself into writing because I could find some enjoyment in immersing myself in stories and situations I created.  I could make characters who were so unlike me (and then pretend I was them).  It was a wonderful escape and a perfect way for me not to address the issues.  Now that I don’t have the need to escape the constant tension, I have no words.  I have no stories.  I have no idea who I am.

I kept thinking words would come to me, but they don’t.  Sometimes I wonder if writing was God’s way of seeing me through the difficulties and since I gave up on my marriage, the outlet has been taken away.  Patience has never been my strong suit, but I am getting better at waiting.  I am waiting for God to show me who I’m supposed to be and what my purpose is.  I don’t see it now, but I pray that one day I will.  But I know I need to get to the point of forgiving myself for my mistakes and bad choices before I can see anything beyond the self-dislike that keeps me down.

A couple months ago, the church music leader’s young daughter (I’m guessing she’s 11 or 12) mentioned writing.  I told her I used to write, but I don’t anymore.  She said she has lots of ideas but doesn’t know how to make them into a story.  I suggested she start out with some kind of action; something to make the reader curious enough to keep reading.  Two weeks ago, the girl mentioned writing again and asked if I wanted to write a story with her.  I said it sounded like fun and figured that would be the end of it.  Tonight at music practice, she talked about it again and inquired about my days off and when we could meet.

This could really happen.  And now, I have a confession to make:  I’m scared.  No, terrified.  What if my writing creativity isn’t just dormant, but has died?  What if all I have is what I used to be?

Over the last several weeks, I’ve experienced a couple things that I see as “signs” – one of which prompted me to write another song,  and brought the destructive nature of my insecurities to my attention.  I can’t help but wonder if this girl might be another sign.  I’m starting to realize my insecurities (which I’ve had my entire life) cripple me, and they explain why I settled for the spouse I did, and why I don’t put more effort into living, and instead, choose to simply exist.

Here’s a few lines of the chorus, which pretty much sums up the struggle in my head:

These insecurities, keep playin’ tricks on me,

They tell me I’m not good enough; that I don’t deserve your love.

But you’ve shown differently, ’cause Jesus died for me,

Lord, rid these doubts inside my head, so I can trust your lead instead.

Overcoming a lifetime of not feeling “good enough” isn’t going to be easy, but with God, all things are possible.

Whoa.  Good to get this out of my head so maybe I can catch a few hours of sleep tonight.  I’ll close with a couple pics of some of my adorable kitties.  They make me smile:

05-11 Skye
Skye hanging out on a shelf above my head (one of the projects I did in March/April)
05-11 Roxy
Roxy snoozing. Sometimes you gotta let it all hang out… and sleep outside the box 🙂
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Author: findingmedaily43

I used to enjoy hiking and snapping pictures along the way. I used to have creative ideas jotted on pieces of paper stacked on my desk. I used to laugh and look forward to spending time with others. I used to write. A lot. Through this blog, I'm making an effort each day to find myself.

8 thoughts on “Irony, Facing Fears and Spotlighting Insecurities… and, Of Course, Kitty Love”

  1. I love the kitty photos. You’ve had a rough go at it, but I don’t believe you can just wait for God to show you who you are. I believe in free will, and, with your free will, you can decide what you want to be, go after it and make it happen. It’s not always easy, it’s not always comfortable, and it’s almost always a risk. You have started the process by leaving a bad marriage, now you have to work on putting it all behind you the best you can, focusing on want you want to do, what you want to be and work to make it all happen. God will certainly help you along your way.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Timothy. I’m still looking for motivation to want to do anything (but on the up side, I’m getting lots of stuff done around the house, haha) Since I conquered my weekend “to do” list today, I would like to spend some time tomorrow on introspection.

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  2. Don’t delete the old blog – you might not be that person any more, but you were once and you may want those stories again one day, also other people might get something from them! It is part of your journey, your history, and as such you never know if it may help someone else who is on that path you once trod.

    As for forgiving yourself, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but God loves you and forgives you, so you should forgive yourself. Really is there anything to forgive? You are human and humans make mistakes, often real humdingers! Look at some of those folks in the Bible, they were a right bunch 🙂 Salvation is a process being worked out in us, we are sadly not instantly made perfect the moment we accept it and become saved! We are washed clean from sins of the past, and any sins we commit from that point are forgiven when we confess them (in the same way that Jesus washed the feet of His disciples, but only the feet as the rest of them was already clean) so we should not feel residual guilt from those sins, as that bogs us down in depression, which is not what He wants for us.

    It is good that you are not the same person you once were. You will not always be the same person you are now either. You are being remade daily in His image, getting closer and closer to that ideal, but are not there yet, so please don’t beat yourself up for failing! We all fail and He knows it, forgives us and loves us anyway 🙂 Look forward, not back.

    You are not good enough in your own strength, none of us are. But you are good enough for God to choose you, to love you and to use you for some purpose. It’s great that you are writing song lyrics, also that you may be able to help that girl. I’m sure God has put the two of you into each other’s paths to help each other, you never know where that might go, and don’t worry that you can’t write any more, you clearly can! Love your kitties, they are so adorable.

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    1. Thanks, Knotrune…. I’ve stepped away from the delete button (for now, at least!) I’ve spent the last couple weeks reading a book the therapist gave me. It was difficult, but I feel some things changing so it’s a good thing. I may just write about that 🙂

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  3. You’re being harsher on yourself than God would ever be on you! Yes, you’ve made mistakes — all of us have. Yes, you’ve learned from them. Sometimes putting those thoughts into words is hard, but as you take one step forward at a time, you’ll be amazed one day at how far you’ve come. And don’t fret if the words don’t seem to come right now. These “desert times” are good for reflecting, planning, and growing — without them, we’d probably drive ourselves mad with productivity and activity, ha!

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    1. Debbie, I like the idea that this is a desert time (and not a permanent desertion). After reading a book the therapist gave me, I think it’s probably a good thing that I’m not able to write because that would just distract me from dealing with things I need to.

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  4. I’m coming to this very late, and reading through my inbox in order so you might have updated this post, still here goes. I’d say don’t delete your old blog. The person who wrote there was and is you, and had a talent with writing fiction. You have a talent weaving words, albeit now words more about you and you’re life. You have changed the focus of your blogging; you may well do again in the future, and the old blog is a great resource to refer back and tap in to. In the meantime, if you’re tempted to write creatively, then do so – don’t hide from your creativity. You are good enough.

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    1. I appreciate your comment, Sarah Ann. I backed away from the ‘delete’ button, but I did remove the post from it that referred to this blog. I don’t go to that blog because it makes me sad… I had so much fun with fiction, and it’s another thing I’ve lost. Perhaps in time it won’t be that way 🙂

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