This post title is borrowed, but as soon as I heard the words, I embraced them as my own. They are appropriate here because I see my last post was January 4 (good thing I don’t make New Years resolutions, because if writing were one of them I’d be a failure at this point!)
It’s not that I haven’t thought of writing- I have. I may actually get around to doing some of those posts, if they feel right. The point of this blog was for me to put conscious effort into finding “me.” In a vacuum, that might be easy, but let’s face it, life isn’t easy. Even though some days have been a blur, I am lucky to have a quiet evening to reflect on the last few weeks and that does tell me a little about who I am.
A couple weeks ago, my younger son turned 11. I had taken him to dinner before then because his actual birthday fell during his time with his dad. I was okay, I thought, until my ex’s girlfriend texted me pictures of her youngest son and my kids on the outing. I didn’t realize his girlfriend and her son were going so it caught me off-guard. The pictures kept coming – 23 in all and I ended up pausing my run to sit down on a curb and cry.
It wasn’t a delicate cry. It was the ugly I-wish-I-had-a-tissue-but-I-don’t-so-my-shirt-sleeve-will-have-to-do kind of cry. When I got home, I called my best friend (who doesn’t have children) but she put words to my pain. It wasn’t that I was upset my ex is with someone else, it’s that she gets to experience memories of a milestone that I won’t have. So I was going to write a post about it titled “Learning to be okay with not being okay” but obviously, that didn’t happen.
Instead of writing a blog post, other words flowed in melodic form. As I jotted them down and recorded them on my phone so I wouldn’t forget, a song emerged. Over the next few days, the words kept coming and not only spoke to my deepest pain, but also offered hope, as it became a prayer to God, straight from my heart. (I do have to also give credit to the pastor at the church I go to – a message in December about how we are prone to think we would be better if our situations were different stayed with me and I remember it when I’m discouraged by my circumstances.)
God.
The message the pastor delivered today included the words I used for this blog post title. He said when it comes to the Good News, silence isn’t golden; it’s yellow. That made me think of old westerns where cowards were ‘yellow bellied’. I’ve been different shades of yellow my entire life. Fear has had more power than faith.
That needs to change. Fear isn’t a good reason for silence. So, I’m taking the ultimate stand against silence by providing a link to listen to the “song” I wrote (and I’m going to publish this post immediately and sign off before I change my mind!)
I’ll end this post with the words to the chorus and look forward to writing again real soon!
Lord, help me remember your blessings;
not distracted and longing for things I do not need.
Lord, ease my fear and help me let go;
to be satisfied now, and trust the future you know.
One Day Closer to Finding Me 